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Nice Guy... Or Narcissist?

WARNING: If you are a guy who regularly says things like "women don't appreciate me and all I do." Or "I'm nothing but nice to women…" you’re not going to like this. However, if you are a woman who is dating (or about to date) a man who says these phrases, then I am here to tell you: those statements are huge red flags.

Why, you ask?

The biggest red flag that a nice guy isn't what he says he is... is when a guy says I'm a nice guy. The follow up to that is almost always "and that's why girls are women treat me like ****." Here's the thing. If you are a nice guy, you don't need to tell anyone. Actions speak louder than words. Here's what a nice guy is: Nice. As in, kindhearted, friendly, caring, supportive, compassionate, selfless, so on. And what a nice guy isn't or doesn't do, is expect things in return for your niceness. They don't hold people emotionally hostage when they don't live up to your expectations of their responses to your niceness. (The second biggest red flag is if he says he's a liberal, but this is not about that... today, at least.)

In a healthy relationship between equals there is a balance of give and take. Whereas, in relationships with a nice guy, there is always, ALWAYS an imbalance. We'll explore the why of that in a moment. But first, a little bit more of the M.O. of a nice guy impersonator:

  • They are super attentive and generous to a fault.

  • They do all the textbook romantic gestures like they are the hallmark movie guy personified. It's like they took the playbook from hallmark and memorized it.

  • They are always doing whatever you want. You want pistachio ice cream at 3:00 AM? Sure thing. He gets his shoes on, grabs his keys, and gets it. Doesn't matter if he has to go to four different open-all-night stores to get it. He does it. (And will tell everyone he knows about it to show just how nice he is.)

He sounds perfect doesn't he? I mean who wouldn't want a guy like him, right? Yeah about that. He's being a doormat, and there isn't a woman alive who wants or respects a man like that. Sorry, not sorry. Here's the other thing about a guy like this. He is great... for as long as you show continuous, effusive, undying gratitude and bestow copious praise on him for every single thing that he does. And he'll be that guy until you say 'no, thanks,' or 'I can do it myself,' or you dare to not appreciate him (in his mind). That's when Nice Mode ends, and Sad Sack Mode is activated. Once this mode commences, anyone who'll listen to him, will hear phrases like:

  • She doesn't appreciate me or all I do for her.

  • I've been nothing but nice to her and she treats me like crap.

  • Women only want guys who treat them badly.

As for the why of this behavior? I'm not a psychologist, so I won't even attempt jumping into a deep analysis. Here's my opinion. Let me start with this: It doesn't matter why. Not for you, at least. Whether he's a (self-proclaimed) terminally nice guy who gets sh*t on his whole life or a narcissist, it's his problem to figure out. Your only job is to run, Forest, run.

One thing they all have in common though, is that they tend to choose women they perceive as "out of their league." Dating these women makes them feel good about themselves... at first. But then, a compulsion - driven by their insecurities (nice guy) or their need to control (narcissist) makes them go so far over the top in courtship, that there is no stopping the freight train from crashing. Signs he's that guy? Sure:

  • He says things like: You're too good for me

  • You're out of my league.

  • I leveled up dating you.

  • I don't deserve you.

Ladies, if you hear anything like the above, you better run like your house in on fire. He's not lying, hon. He's telling you the truth. He's warning you.

If, by some crazy chance, you are that actual nice guy who truly thinks he's been doing all the right things to no avail, and you've chosen to read this whole post, I'll help you out.

  • Don't ever, ever minimize your value and your worth to woo a woman. That's not hot. Self-confidence, directness, dignity, honesty... that's hot. If you think someone's out of your league, you have none of those qualities and therefore, you will never be happy.

  • She doesn't want you to do everything for her. (And if she does, she's taking advantage of you, does not love you, and never will.)

  • Stop listening to people who tell you you're perfect the way you are, or, it's not you, it's them that's the problem. They're lying to spare your feelings. Come on, man. If you keep picking the same type of woman, it is YOU that's the problem. Fix your self-perception.

And, if you're the narcissist just reading this to gleam some insights to help your game:

  • F*ck off.

Last Thoughts

As if it's not obvious, I've met guys like them in my life, and yes, even had the misfortune of dating a couple of them. I'm grateful, though. How else could I ever have recognized a man of true worth had I not know the alternatives? And as importantly, how else would I have been able to warn you, dear reader, of their ways? ;)

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