If you're an openly conservative or moderate American, you've undoubtedly seen them: the Everything-Relates-Back-To-Trump fanatics. Thankfully, we now have an official diagnosis for this often mentally and socially debilitating illness: Trump Derangement Syndrome, or TDS. Sadly, this affliction impacts thousands of men and women across the country. Fortunately, it doesn't have to negatively impact everyone anymore, thanks to our simple 5 Step Method for helping those with TDS. But first, a look at signs, triggers, and post-trigger behaviors.
Warning signs of TDS may include:
Driving electric cars sporting bumper stickers emblazoned with Ridin' with Biden. *Note: Bumpers may also display faded, "I'm With Her" or "She Persisted" as well as, "Love Wins" and "I'm Vaccinated" slogans. These or similar will often be their social media profile pics, too.
Responding to innocuous statements like, "Looks like rain today," with "Yeah, thanks to Trump ruining our planet by denying climate change!" *Rants about Orange Man Bad often follow.
Mentioning their mental illness within the first five minutes of every conversation.
Multi-color hair, coupled with pronouns in bio.
Here at the Institute of Trump Derangement Syndrome Studies, we've determined some of the main triggers for sufferers.
Triggers may include, but are not limited to:
Stating or implying you're conservative.
Not using the "proper" pronoun when addressing them
Liking, Sharing, or Commenting on any post relating to: pro-life, anti-covid vax, Republicans, All Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, school choice, home schooling, Biden memes, and of course, Trump.
Breathing while conservative
Having the audacity to be a female conservative
Suggesting they have TDS
Should any one of the aforementioned triggers be, well, triggered, the following involuntary reactions may occur.
Common Reactions associated with both short- and long-term TDS:
Emotional outbursts which may include, crying, screaming, shaking
Immediate "unfriending" on social media (but still reads/watches your every post).
Accusations of: homophobia, transphobia, racism, bigotry, sexism, misogyny, and xenophobia.
Making repeated statements starting with, "So, what you're saying is..."
A compulsion to type/say phrases like: "Yeah, but Trump..." or, "You Trumpsters...," or, "At least he's not Trump," and, "Listen, Trumptard..." even when you have not mentioned Trump at all.
Calls for immediate "canceling" of... you
As exhausting as these engagements can be, we at the IFTDSS believe the following methods can help.
5 Step Method for Helping TDS Sufferers
Be sure to set an American flag as your social media profile pic. This lets TDS sufferers know you love when people you haven't see in 10 years leave chapter-length comments about how oppressive this country is.
Display any of the following: 2A, TRUMP 2024, Don't Tread on Me, or FJB decal on your vehicle or outside your home. It makes them feel important when they randomly shout at you from the safety of their Prius. *To help even more, drive a truck so they can feel extra outraged about your carbon footprint.
Wear any of the following in public: a hat or shirt with: an American flag, Thin Blue Line, 2A, or anything that at all designates you as a patriot. Like vehicle and home identifiers, it helps fulfill their need for righteous indignation and virtue signaling.
If in conversation with a TDS sufferer, be sure to refer to them by whatever gender they most likely are. It won't matter if you're right or wrong, this is their opportunity to correct you and tell you how offensive you are to make assumptions about their identity.
Lastly, to best help a TDS sufferer be sure to alternately ask them, "Are you triggered?" and "Aren't you a cute little snowflake?" These questions appear to have a calming effect on them.
Should you find yourself too busy living your best life to follow the above steps, consider employing our R.A.S Technique:
Recognize: Much like coming upon a rabid or otherwise dangerous animal in the wild, one must acknowledge the inherent danger of the unstable person.
Assess: gauge options and avenues for escape.
Step Away: Make no sudden movements and maintain direct eye contact while walking backward. They may repeat attempts to engage, but do not give in. This will cause them to move on to a new target.